Hilarious post on Craiglist by frustrated musician (unedited):
I have a punk rock band who’s been wasting time with shitty players and douchebags for months. I’m looking for some more losers to continue to waste time and money. If you don’t have a car or can’t drive then you’re perfect. If you need someone to wipe your ass and drive you around all the better. I’m looking for some musicians that never have money so that the other people in the band have to pay their way all the time. If you’ve got busted up cymbals and shitty drums, if you’ve got tickets and 502’s, if you can’t afford registration or insurance, if you’ve got beat up amps and crappy guitars then PERFECT. If you can’t sing worth a fuck and just want to waste a bunch of time and money doing nothing then I want to talk to you. If you’re on psych meds and can’t function as a regular normal person and still live at mommy and daddy’s house then you are the Golden Child. You are the thing that band dreams are made of. The cream of the crop. You are the one every band seeks out to become the next superstar. If driving a few miles to a band practice is a painful thought and you can’t bare the thought of playing the same songs over and over to get a set down tight then you’re perfect for the band. If you just want to practice once a week and play all the best shows around and you think that being in a band is just your access pass to pussy and fun party times then your on the right path. Because who wants someone that’s dedicated to music and will do whatever it takes to practice and play to be the best they can. If you like to bitch and moan and sleep all day and make a bunch of noise in the studio while other people are trying to talk and just generally like to be rude and disrespectful because you’re pathetic and paranoid then I want to talk to you and get you in the band. Because who wants someone who’s gonna be respectful of others and keep their mouths shut while others are talking and trying to get parts of a song correct. You are the Golden Child, the Chosen One. You are the irreplacable, irresistable member of an elite group of shitbags and douche faced assholes that everyone craves for a hard working dedicated band. You are what good, hard working dedicated musicians are looking for and it would be painful to do without someone just like you. It’s so boring and politically correct to have someone who’s a hard working talented musician that’s down for playing music and will do whatever it takes to get to practice and make it work. Who wants that type of shit in the band. Not me. I would rather waste my precious lives blood diddling around with douche faced shitballs that don’t give a rats ass then to play real music with real musicians dedicated to doing whatever it takes. That’s just so over rated. So listen up. If I’ve offended anyone who has their shit together and really knows how to play music and is willing to do whatever it takes to make a band work to damn bad. I’m a loser and want nothing but shitty players and shitbags to waste my time and shit all over everything I work hard to create. That is my goal. To find the Golden Goose that will make this band a complete pile of SHIT. If you’re that guy then email me.
[via Todd A]