Limited-range actor, surfer hack, Johnny-come-lately vegetarian and self-documented abortion enthusiast Eddie Vedder (nÃ©e Mueller) has been ruining our national pastimeâ€™s favorite song for quite a few 7th innings now â€“ ever since Yield ruined a whole 50 minutes of my life back in â€˜98 actually. Itâ€™s bad enough the Cubbies havenâ€™t won a World Series in 99 years. No fevered pitch fan would make Wrigley Fielders suffer through a bloated baritone belching of â€œTake Me Out To The Ball Game,â€ when all they really wanna do is stretch their legs and go grab another eight-dollar beer. Ehh? Well, now the Ticketmaster terrorâ€™s turned it up a tad.
The Friday before AT&T cut-off P. Jamâ€™s A&V during their Lollapalooza headlining set (which would be okay if they did it for aesthetic reasons only), Vedder took the mound in Kerry Woodâ€™s away game jersey to throw out the first pitch against my own post-season hopefuls the NY Mets. His form is decent for an aging grunge-ster, but if Ed wants to throw the heat anywhere near as fast as Clemens – whoâ€™s already two years older – he really needs to grab it at the laces. Even with all his otherâ€¦ummhâ€¦distractions, even â€œJeremyâ€ would have chosen better footwear.
And while I havenâ€™t been able to find out if olâ€™ mother love boner here even got it in the strike zone, I hate him all the same for giving birth to the low-end front man who, unable to hit anything above middle C, just bellows around in the F clef doldrums praying for his voice to crack. With a few exceptions, rock â€˜nâ€™ roll (or at least the kind a band like Pearl Jam is gonna play anyways) used to be about guys dressed as dolls sounding like girls. There was always an agreement, albeit a tacit one perhaps, that in order to get up in front of guitars, drums and a bass you had to have some kind of range. By lowering the tessitura The Eddie Vedder Singers inadvertently lowered the bar. Need proof? One word; three syllables: Nickelback.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot â€“ the Mets won 6-2.